Using the Enneagram in Parenting

The midwife left our house at 3 am. And the thought I most remember as I laid there in bed next to my exhausted wife and brand-new-to-the-world baby son was, “Now what the heck do I do?” The midwife didn’t leave an owner’s manual with my son. She didn’t leave one with my daughter, either, when she was born a year later. While not exactly an owner’s manual for parenting, the Enneagram is a powerful tool for helping me know what to do now with my kids.

I’ve written elsewhere about some beginning in’s and out’s around the Enneagram and its helpfulness in our marriages. While primarily a tool for the arena of spiritual direction for self-awareness and spiritual growth, the Enneagram also proves helpful in navigating all of our personal relationships, especially our families.

Here’s an important disclaimer: Don’t type your kids. Don’t use the Enneagram as a label on your kids. The minute you label them, you limit them. Our kids are human beings, made in God’s image. They’re ever-growing, evolving, and changing right in front of our eyes. Most likely, our kids exhibit characteristics of multiple types. But it’s also possible that a single type screams out to us in our every interaction with them.

Your work is not to crack the code of your kid’s personality. Rather, it’s to be the very best version of yourself that you can be. It may be helpful to avoid all together thinking of your child as a particular type—as a One, or a Four, or a Seven. Perhaps it’s better to use language to yourself (and with your partner, if you talk about these things) that there’s some “Three-ness” coming out in an interaction, or that their behavior appears “Five-ish.”

The Enneagram not so much categorizes our eccentric habits but rather names our deepest motivations. And no matter how well we know our own kids, we just don’t have access to their most basic drivers. Only they know that, and it takes a lot of maturity until they can start to wrestle with that and articulate it for themselves.

So let’s first and foremost work on our being the best parents we can be.

Type 1

Ones see the world as it should be, with an intuitive sense of integrity. As a parent, a One brings a strong sense of right and wrong. A One communicates order and a right way to do things. But a blindspot in parenting can be when this goes too far and turns into legalism and setting standards that can never be met. If you catch yourself doing this, extend yourself grace. Be humble and seek forgiveness when you’ve projected your idealistic standards on your kids.

Type 2

Twos have the gift of emotional connection. As a parent, a Two naturally embodies Christ-like self-sacrificial love. They can pour themselves out like no other. But the blindspot here can be a complete negligence of self-care. Twos may forget to take care of their own needs in the midst of fixing meals, making transportation arrangements, doing the laundry and all the other endless host of parental responsibilities. If you find yourself here, tag team with your partner. Or find a sitter for an afternoon. Recharge your batteries and show yourself the compassion you love to give your kids.

Type 3

Threes flourish when they’re accomplishing things. As a parent, a Three brings the gift of being a great cheerleader. You instill incredible confidence. You communicate, “You can do this!” But as a blindspot, a Three may build up unrealistic expectations of achievement for your child, living vicariously through their accomplishments. When you find yourself here, show your child unconditional love, untethered to achievement. Tell them how proud you are for the kind of person they are and are becoming. Show appreciation for their character and not just their trophy case.

Type 4

Fours get a kick out of doing things differently. As a parent, Fours bring the gift of individuality and an imagination for beauty. Fours can intuitively join in the imaginative play of young children or read the moodiness of a teenager. But a blindspot for a Four can be undervaluing the emotional need of your child to belong and fit in with a peer group. If you catch yourself here, discern with your child (and perhaps with the help of your partner) the fine line between being yourself and really connecting with others.

Type 5

Fives intuitively see the deeper connections in the world. As a parent, a Five can instinctively play the part of the wise guide to children. Fives are natural teachers and delight in introducing their kids to everything in the world. But a blindspot for a Five in parenting can be budgeting your limited social energy. Fives can easily throw up boundaries that kids, especially young kids, don’t respect or know what to do with. If you find yourself fighting this, be extra mindful to be present to your child. Maybe your boundaries and “me time” aren’t as necessary as you think they are.

Type 6

Sixes know faithfulness and steadiness. As a parent, a Six brings the gift of vigilant boundary-making for the sake of safety. A Six knows how to keep your child safe and secure. But as a blindspot, a Six can easily fall into the cliche helicopter parent, smothering your child. If you find yourself in this space, take a big, deep breath, and remember that “Everything that can go wrong will go wrong” isn’t found anywhere in the Bible.

Type 7

Sevens are full of abundant joy. As a parent, a Seven is gifted at making lasting memories together. Road trips, vacations, ice cream dates, impromptu dance parties—a Seven parent knows how to have fun. A blindspot for a Seven parent can be avoiding discipline. Being a disciplinarian can be a stretch for a Seven. Be careful of setting up the unfair roles of yourself as “good cop” and your partner as “bad cop” when it comes to disciplining the kids. Be the first in the house to model for your kids clean up time or other seemingly “boring” tasks.

Type 8

Eights challenge the status quo, especially if they see someone left out. As a parent, an Eight can exude a profound sense of tenderness for their children. You protect your children at any cost and are willing to go toe-to-toe with bullies. A blindspot for an Eight as a parent can be overdoing anything and everything. Your protection of your children may be out of proportion as can your discipline of your children. If you find yourself here, take a deep breath. Count to ten. Make the effort to emotionally connect with your child rather than seeing them as either just a victim or violator of your order of the world.

Type 9

Nines live to maintain a sense of equilibrium in their world. As a parent, a Nine naturally knows how to mediate conflict in the household. You see where everybody is coming from. You relate and empathize and can help the others in your family do the same. A blindspot for a Nine parent can be burnout from trying to keep everybody happy. Dealing with all the conflict that naturally happens in a family can be emotionally taxing. It can be easy to withdraw. Make sure you’re expressing your own opinions and desires. Don’t simply blend in with the rest of your family.

Parenting is no joke. We all need all the help we can get. Not only this, but parenting is a primary arena of our spiritual formation. Understanding ourselves through the Enneagram provides ways to wake up to the default habits and hangups that can sabotage our best intentions to be good parents and supporters of our partner’s parenting.