7 Cues for Starting with a Spiritual Director

Who is spiritual direction for?

It’s a question I frequently hear. To which, my first response is… everybody. I genuinely think every Christian should meet regularly with a spiritual director and have a safe place for going deeper into all the stuff of life.

But recently I was asked a different question.

“If I wanted to help connect people to a spiritual director, what are cues that I should listen for?”

So while there is a general sense that a spiritual director can be helpful, here are seven particular scenarios in which a director might be uniquely gifted to be God’s presence to someone you know.

1. “I work in ministry.”

Perhaps your friend is a pastor. Maybe they’re a church planter. Or a youth pastor. Or a worship leader. Or a Sunday school class teacher. Or a small group coordinator. Or they’re an administrator or children’s worker. What all these people have in common is, they get their paycheck from a church, and in all likelihood, some unhealthy sense of identity from their job.

Self-care is critical if you want to live a life in service of others for any length of time. Human egos and unrealistic expectations from culture about what ministry should look like can breed resentment and depression. Even church leaders need a safe space to express vulnerabilities and disappointments, doubts and frustrations.

Working for a church or Christian organization brings with it a sometimes unspoken expectation that everybody acts like nice Christians all the time. When that expectation isn’t met, people need a safe space to fall into in order to recognize how God is actually at work in their life and find healing and reconciliation.

2. “I want to go into ministry.”/”I’m a seminary student.”

There can be some overlap in these two comments. Oftentimes we can fall into a trap assuming that the more involved we get at church, then the closer we are to God. If one isn’t careful, just the opposite can, in fact, happen.

Jesus says, “What do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” You can have Twitter follows who retweet your profound musings. People might listen to your sermon podcast. You might feel important because you help so many people. And your soul can be completely empty in the process.

There’s no better time to develop healthy soul care habits than when you’re just getting started. Likewise, a director can help listen with you as you clarify your calling. You may find your calling validated and confirmed. You may find that what you’re really looking for in a ministry job you can more healthily find elsewhere.

3. “I was just diagnosed with __________.”

Four years ago my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. It changed her life. Today, she has a pretty incredible story you should ask her about. It’s a significant part, not only of her story with God, but also of my dad’s.

Sometimes those doctor visits leave our friends pondering mortality. As creatures of modernity, we have a poor sense of the limitations of our bodies. Other times, a doctor visit leaves our friends needing to make radical lifestyle changes. I once had a ministry colleague suffer an unexpected heart attack. It left him rearranging everything from his diet to his work schedule.

Our bodies have a way of reminding us that we aren’t in control as much as we’d like to think we are. We live in a time and place of dualistic thinking that assumes the body and spirit are mutually exclusive. But they’re not.

Our bodies have a way of communicating to us, revealing unhealthy rhythms and habits. Hypertension, diabetes, insomnia, panic attacks—all these can be ways that our bodies tell us that life is out of whack. Listening to God with a spiritual director can bring to the surface many of these issues and how to process them well.

4. “I just moved here/there.”

Through the decade of my twenties, I lived in 10 different zip codes in four different states. We live in a transient world. This fact has tremendous implications on our relationships with people. We are designed social creatures, but chasing career or education or wanderlust have a way of unmooring us.

The Beatles’ song “Eleanor Rigby” has the chorus, “All the only people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong.” There can be all sorts of ways that loneliness, rootlessness, isolation, and feeling like an outsider reside just below the surface. A spiritual director can help give words to these emotions.

5. “I’m tired, busy, burned out.”

Life comes at us fast and furious. And many of us enjoy pouring ourselves out on behalf of others, whether that’s ministry or parenting or particular vocations like teaching, counseling, or caregiving. But how do you receive?

It becomes easy to wrap our identity in our accomplishments, productivity, and to-do lists. Keeping ourselves busy is most often a distraction, sometimes an avoidance, of what really matters in our lives. A spiritual director will ask tough questions about why you overstuff your life. Where is your true identity?

6. “I don’t know where I belong.”

Sometimes you just feel like a square peg in a round hole. Sometimes a career just doesn’t seem to fit anymore. Sometimes a church makes one feel like the odd-person-out.

A spiritual director can help a person separate the normal-weird from the weird-weird. Often a person just needs to hear that alternatives are possible.

7. “I want more of God.”

This can come from a sincere desire to grow deeper into a life of faith. It’s possible for growth to just happen. God is sovereign. But it happens exponentially when we cooperate with what God is already doing and we are intentional and mindful in our practices.

Spiritual direction may be exactly what someone you know or love may be looking for. You might even consider sponsoring them to meet with a director. In her book Holy Listening, Margaret Guenther writes, “The purpose of spiritual direction is… to help people discover how to define themselves in relation not only to the world, but also to God.”

When referring a friend or family member to a spiritual director, it’s important to remember that a person should never be compelled against their will. Spiritual direction doesn’t fix people, and it should never be confused with licensed therapy.

If your friend is unfamiliar with spiritual direction, you might refer them to online articles like those here or the publication Listen. You might share with them a book like The Practice of Spiritual Direction by William Barry and William Connolly, Holy Listening by Margaret Guenther, or The Contemplative Pastor by Eugene Peterson.

If you’d like to know more what meeting with a spiritual director might look like for you, fill out this contact form, or you can search for a director in your area.