How to Find a Spiritual Director
Nearly eight years ago, I moved across the country to take a job at a church. I knew right away that I would need a spiritual director to help keep me grounded amidst the onslaught of tasks, activities, and competing demands that come with receiving a paycheck from a church. I’ve heard Stanley Hauerwas say, “Being in ministry is like being nibbled to death by ducks.” In my book, committing to the work of spiritual direction is much preferable to death by ducks.
“Though good advice lies deep within the heart,
a person with understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5).
I wanted help keeping the most important things the most important things—having eyes to see and ears to hear the fresh activity of God’s kingdom around me amidst the cacophony of busyness. I needed help staying close to the heart of Jesus.
The church happened to also employ a “director of healing ministries,” so I approached him. Jerry wasn’t a spiritual director in the traditional sense, but he was a licensed counselor with an extensive background in Celebrate Recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous. Prayerfully, he agreed, and we’ve been meeting every other week now at a local coffee shop for the past eight years. Long after he retired and I left that church setting, he still asks me tough questions and helps me pay close attention to the Spirit’s work in my life.
Thus far, I’ve had good experiences in finding a director by having some good people in my social network. But what if you don’t? How do you go about finding a spiritual director to walk with you in this season of life?
Here are a couple of options:
Ask people you know. Do you currently know any directors? Do you know people who are meeting with a director that they’d recommend? Does someone in your church offer direction? Does your denomination recommend any resources? For instance, my ministry network provides a resource like this. Like my experience with Jerry, is there someone in your church that may not know they are a spiritual director but has the reputation of doing what a director does?
Look for retreat centers located in your region. Monasteries and seminaries can be great resources for connecting with local directors.
Some spiritual direction schools provide a directory of alumni who are available to new directees. Sustainable Faith provides such a directory. Because of technology, many directors (myself included) offer direction via video services like Skype, FaceTime, or Zoom.
Other online directories for someone in your area include Spiritual Directors International and ESDA.
You don’t have to be in ministry to seek out a spiritual director. You may be looking for an ally in discerning your next career steps. You may work in a service profession, like teaching, where you constantly give yourself for the sake of others, and you need some self-care. You may simply desire to take some deeper steps with God.
Once you reach out to a director, you’ll want to set up an initial consultation. You want to know that this is a good fit, that this director is a person you can trust. You should treat this like a job interview, where you’re asking questions. As a director, I have particular questions I have in mind during a first meeting, and I hope that the prospective directee has some intentionality in the meeting.
It’s my hope to leave that meeting with some confidence whether or not to go forward. A good director can provide referrals if it’s just not a good fit. Spiritual directors are human beings, and sometimes things just don’t click. Sometimes it’s personality, sometimes theology, sometimes schedule. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t still pursue spiritual direction.
Here are some helpful questions to bring in a first meeting:
Tell me your story. Everybody has a story. It’s a always a gift to hear someone’s story. It may very well cover many of the questions below.
What qualifies you to be a spiritual director? Have they done a school program? Received a certificate or degree? What’s their life experience as a spiritual director? And for how long?
Whose sheep are you? I had a colleague ask me this once, and I’ve never forgotten. This is a question about accountability. Do they have a supervisor? Are they part of a church? Are they accountable to a community and pastoral leadership? Who do they belong to? Stay away from lone gurus.
Who is your community? Who are your most important relationships? Similar to the above question, we are to whom we belong. To whom do they belong? Family, formal associations, neighborhood, church? Who is their support network?
What standards or ethics do you abide by? Spiritual Directors International provides a code of ethics for all its members, and a spiritual director should be able to communicate their standards.
What are your rates? Be ready to pay for spiritual direction, even if it’s not asked. It’s worth paying for. Money has a way of adding “weight” to the relationship. It adds to your own commitment to the process, and more often than not, a director is a trained professional who should be treated as such.
How frequently? Monthly? Bi-monthly? Every six weeks? You’ll want to be clear about expectations.
Who is God for you? What is the Bible to you? What does spiritual direction mean to you? At face value, these may appear to be obvious, but particularly if you’ve found this person outside of your usual network, you may find their spiritual experience to be very different from your own.
How does technology affect how you do direction? You may explore together the pros and cons of doing direction by video.
What commitments do you have in direction? For myself, prayer, confidentiality, and presence are commitments I make sure to communicate upfront.
How does direction end? There is any number of reasons for ending a direction relationship, and you may want to discuss what those might look like.
How does your commitment to particular social issues or theology influence direction for you? Social and political issues are polarizing in our culture, and you and your potential director want to be honest about how your (and their) passion for such issues might creep into your conversations.
Do you give homework? This is something I’m frequently asked. I invite directees to journal. When appropriate, I may invite to read a certain book. Direction is about noticing what God is doing, and it’s between you and your director to discern how you best engage.
If you’d like to talk about what spiritual direction might look like for yourself, your team, your church staff, or your church as a whole, send me an email and let’s explore that.
If you’re just getting started with spiritual direction, I recommend these books:
Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the Long Walk of Faith by Henri Nouwen
Holy Listening: The Art of Spiritual Direction by Margaret Guenther